Mar/Apr
2097
The Vanguards Win Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League

The Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League finished, with The Vanguards taking the overall victory and a prize of $150000. The runners-up were Mercykillers, and finishing in third place overall were Harrys Hippos.

Joels Bastards Win Somerset Race League

The Somerset Race League finished, with Joels Bastards taking the overall victory and a prize of $120000. The runners-up were PA Racers, and finishing in third place overall were Pole Dancers.

Joels Bastards Win Somerset Winter Warmup League

The Somerset Winter Warmup League finished, with Joels Bastards taking the overall victory and a prize of $60000. The runners-up were Rollovers, and finishing in third place overall were Pole Dancers.

Clara Pyle of Avenged Sevenfold died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Andrew Kass of Anarchy X died at Chaos Canyon.


Katherine Salazar of Sandrats died at Gates of Somerset.


Evelyn Kuhn of Rex Rillions Ringers RRR died at Road to Somerset.


Leah `The Witch` Blair of Bamboo Cutters died at Northern Farm Land.


David Piccirillo of Raven Lunatics died at Once Upon a Town.


Todd Machado of Murphys Mercs died at Gates of Somerset.


Dan `Bob` Ross of Zaphod Beeblebrox died at Gates of Somerset.


Reyna `Of` Fiore of Zaphod Beeblebrox died at Gates of Somerset.


Gigi `bertina` Farmer of Rollovers died at Gates of Somerset.


Ann Kennedy of GrindHouse died at Once Upon a Town.


`Spec4` James Goldman of Comanche died at Once Upon a Town.


James `Hawk Eye` Welch of Comanche died at Once Upon a Town.


`R-Dog` Rogelio Rodriguez of Hogs of Destiny died at Ring of Death Arena.


Nick `Nack Patty` Wacker of Zaphod Beeblebrox died at Smokey Hills.


Thomas `Trashtalker` Trask of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Gates of Somerset.


Bell `Gamer Girl` Delph of Bamboo Cutters died at The Pit.


Louis `Chance` Chaudhry of Murphys Mercs died at Northern Farm Land.


Dean Ahern of Murphys Mercs died at Northern Farm Land.


Keisha `Grease Monkey` Martin of Murphys Mercs died at Northern Farm Land.


Walker Walker of Wasteland Recycling Company died at Northern Speedway.


Ronald Christy of Piglets of Fate died at Gates of Somerset.


Todd `Just Works` Howard of Rizon Oni died at Gates of Somerset.


Hyacinth `Two Lips` Haakenson of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Reba `Red Bull` Torres of blue rock died at Once Upon a Town.


Kirby Roy of Jack In A Car died at Gates of Somerset.


Graham Davis of Renshai died at The Pit.


Ute Noren of Interstate 82 died at The Pit.


Edward Lee of Pole Dancers died at Double Down Arena.


`Sir` Earl Key of Pole Dancers died at Northern Desert Circuit.


James `Kraut` Neubauer of blue rock died at Outback of Nowhere.


Ruby Segura of Raven Lunatics died at Canyon Joust.


Alejandro Mott of Harrys Hippos died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Jake Bell of Harrys Hippos died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Steven Massey of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Road to Somerset.


Damian Triplett of pointer111 died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Shane Hall of Rex Rillions Ringers RRR died at Gates of Somerset.


Sharon `Highball` Hutchins of Murphys Mercs died at Gates of Somerset.


George `The Mexi` Piedra of Hogs of Destiny died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Albert `A.M.` Miles of blue rock died at Double Down Arena.


Wesley Kern of Smoker U Drink, Player U Get died at Outback of Nowhere.


Byron Bradford of Sandrats died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 1.


Shannon Bunch of Monsterz died at Somerset Arena.


`Big Gunny` Ed Hopper of Comanche died at Once Upon a Town.


Jeremy Williams of Igniter died at Gates of Somerset.


Billy `The Big` Lebowski of Pole Dancers died at Gates of Somerset.


Norman Lopez of The Trouser Attacks died at Northern Farm Land.


Myra Keeton of The Trouser Attacks died at Northern Farm Land.


Joe Miles of Monsterz died at Northern Farm Land.


`19.95` Earl Scheid of The Darkside died at Serpentine Road.


Joseph `Emo` Cutter of The Darkside died at Serpentine Road.


Ebony Babcock of harimau died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Gale Vaillancourt of Interstate 82 died at Road to Somerset.


Glen `Chowdown` Cheung of The Vanguards died at Sandy.


Willie `Medic` Hall of The Vanguards died at Sandy.


Paul Potts of Alpha Junkers died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Desiree `Dezza` Brown of The Vanguards died at Gates of Somerset.


Mandy Sanders of Interstate 82 died at Road to Elmsfield.


`The Enforcer` Jessica Valentino of Blood Roses died at The Pit.


`Bulletproof` Harrison Reno of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Once Upon a Town.


`Greasy Dick` Richard Costillo of The Vanguards died at Lost Oasis.


Donald `GTA` Love of Smoker U Drink, Player U Get died at Once Upon a Town.


Charles Schooley of pointer111 died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Gerald Poole of Renshai died at Deadman`s Drop.


Shelton Hunt of Rex Rillions Ringers RRR died at Never Plains: Sand Storm.


`I Think` Keith May of Zaphod Beeblebrox died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Sylvia Harrell of Murphys Mercs died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Kenneth Newell of Valhallans died at Road to Elmsfield.


Nathaniel Rivera of Rex Rillions Ringers RRR died at Road to Somerset.


Coy Gonzales of Igniter died at Ring of Death Arena.


Justin Clayton of The Salthill Sluggerz died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Arena.


Kevin Allen of Krashed and Burnt died at Road to Somerset.


Michael `Wheres My ` Coker of Krashed and Burnt died at Road to Somerset.


Emma Rhymes of Krashed and Burnt died at Road to Somerset.


John Harn of Boars of Boozin died at Gates of Somerset.


Jonathan Todd of Renshai died at Northern Farm Land.


Frank Griffin of The Blue Lions died at Gates of Somerset.


Amanda Robles of Igniter died at Road to Somerset.


Robin Ekstrom of Interstate 82 died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Ann Dixon of Interstate 82 died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Douglas Fifield of the mad mad crushers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Stormy `Daniels` Agee of Longos Merry Men died at Road to Somerset.


Thomas Kent of Needs more Dakka! died at Somerset Super Speedway.


Jason Smith of Raven Lunatics died at Gates of Somerset.


Chester `Wheelz` Eaglin of Melted Rubber died at The Pit.


`Gangster` Yvette Ramirez of The Flying Circus died at Northern Foothills Racetrack (at night).


Stephen `Knows All The` Hicks of Igniter died at Double Down Arena.


Christopher `The Pope` Christensen of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Gates of Somerset.


Sherwood `SoftSpot ` Sappington of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Gates of Somerset.


David Diaz of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Northern Farm Land.


Patrick Smith of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Once Upon a Town.


Joshua Hu of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Once Upon a Town.


Krista Bell of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Once Upon a Town.


Carolyn Crouse of Postapocalypse Paladins died at Once Upon a Town.


Kristopher `K` Kerstetter of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Pathway to Darkness.


Hee He of Avenged Sevenfold died at Northern Farm Land.


Chris Brewer of Raven Lunatics died at Lost Oasis.


John Klein of Raven Lunatics died at Lost Oasis.


Terry Ngo of The Vanguards died at The Pit.


Crystle Benjamin of Raven Lunatics died at Road to Somerset.


George McAdams of Smoker U Drink, Player U Get died at Scattered Grounds.


Johnny Clark of The Trouser Attacks died at Gates of Somerset.


James Cleghorn of The Trouser Attacks died at Gates of Somerset.


Marcelo `Face` Jackson of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Herbert Mueller of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Lost Trail: Overland.


Floyd Coley of Raven Lunatics died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Jackqueline `Jaws` Jeanbaptiste of SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin died at Gates of Somerset.


Mamie Davis of Clan Hammer died at Pathway to Darkness.


William Big of Clan Hammer died at Once Upon a Town.


Bert Schindler of Melted Rubber died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Evelyn `Texan Ranger` Walker of Rollovers died at Northern Farm Land.


Gary Feeley of Raven Lunatics died at Northern Farm Land.


Numbers `Spiderwrench` Webb of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Albert Lopez of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Charles `O.G.` Sledge of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Deborah Garcia of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


`The Jinx` Long Wang of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Cameron `Smell My Butt` Brown of Krashed and Burnt died at Gates of Somerset.


`Comandante` Fidel Casto of Harrys Hippos died at Salt Flats Canyon.


`Comrade` David Wu of Harrys Hippos died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Francisca `Bendy` Dendy of Exalted died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Miguel Riddle of Rollovers died at Northern Farm Land.


Thomas Hogan of Rollovers died at Northern Farm Land.


Andrew Smith of San Bernardino Home Owners Ass died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Bobby Pineda of Gand Gerbill died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Margaret Kinman of Sandrats died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Arena.


Maria `Slammin` Swift of Jack In A Car died at Road to Somerset.


Florida `LifeSA` Beach of Fyve Fynger Fiends died at Chaos Canyon.


Lyle Everette of Gand Gerbill died at Gates of Somerset.


Lauren `Damn sexy` James of harimau died at Gates of Somerset.


`Clean Rim Job` Derek Wheeler of The Trouser Attacks died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Heather `Rocket` Hunt of TheFireDragons died at Gates of Somerset.


Charles `Napalm` Brown of TheFireDragons died at Gates of Somerset.


James `Dakka` Shay of blue rock died at Pathway to Darkness.


Brent `Perky` Perkins of Murphys Mercs died at Gates of Somerset.


`El Guapo` Ricardo Wells of Pole Dancers died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Arena.


Jim `Running Back` Brown of Pole Dancers died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Arena.


Donna Rodriguez of Rough Trade died at Somerset Arena.


Bobby Walling of the mad mad crushers died at Northern Farm Land.


Paul Floyd of the mad mad crushers died at Northern Farm Land.


William `Innsmoth` Wall of The Trouser Attacks died at Swamps of Dagon.


Lawrence `Genocide` Turner of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Once Upon a Town.


Nelson Coleman of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Once Upon a Town.


Robert Russo of Turner, Harvest and Ramirez died at Once Upon a Town.


Richard Rivera of Slow Death Squad died at Once Upon a Town.


Charles `The Ranger` Potter of V.E.N.O.M. died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Evelyn Ingalls of Renshai died at Gates of Somerset.


Jaime Trevino of The Trouser Attacks died at Swamps of Dagon.


`Loose Banshee` Angela Johns of The Trouser Attacks died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Edwin Jepsen of Melted Rubber died at Lost Oasis.


Florence Sanchez of V.E.N.O.M. died at Blown With the Wind.


Ryan Adkins of HELLCATS_666 died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Janet `Rosangela` Blackwell of Bamboo Cutters died at Gates of Somerset.


Richard Hammack of BlueDogs died at The Pit.


Tammy `The Hairy` Woodruff of Fyve Fynger Fiends died at Chaos Canyon.



Public Enemy

The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill.

1. Pole Dancers (Somerset): $4378.
2. GO FORNICATE YERSELF (Somerset): $2783.
3. GO FORNICATE YERSELF (Elmsfield): $1250.
4. Pole Dancers (Gateway Truckstop): $686.
5. GO FORNICATE YERSELF (Sarsfield): $357.
6. Pole Dancers (Elmsfield): $280.
7. GO FORNICATE YERSELF (Morgan): $246.
8. THERAPISTS (Badlands Truckstop): $243.
9. GO FORNICATE YERSELF (Badlands Truckstop): $218.
10. Pole Dancers (Texan): $185.

Deathsport Leagues

The current leaders of Evan`s major leagues are as follows:

Evan Race Ladder - Rollovers
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Rollovers
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - Waskal Wabbitz
Evan Paintball Combat Ladder - Waskal Wabbitz

In addition, the leaders of the minor leagues are:

Somerset Winter Warmup League - Joels Bastards
Circuit of Evan Rally III League - Avenged Sevenfold
Circuit of Evan Wilderness Rally II League - Rollovers
Somerset Pedestrian Combat #1 League - Harrys Hippos
Northern Semi-Pro Combat League - Pole Dancers
Somerset Race League - PA Racers
Circuit of Evan Wilderness Rally I League - Zaphod Beeblebrox
Northern Paintball League - Hogs of Destiny



Political Update

Relations between the mutants and anarchists are reported to be at an all-time high following the announcement of an arranged marriage between the daughter of a high-ranking member of Sabretooth with one of Mad Mac`s sons.



Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth

The most drug-addicted gangs currently active in Evan are:

1. Blood Roses.
2. Krashed and Burnt.
3. Steel Clan.
4. shadowguard.
5. Afrika Korps.
6. Mercykillers.
7. The Black Legion.
8. SlaughterHouse Bath and Lodgin.
9. Raging Scavengers.
10. Postapocalypse Paladins.

The heaviest addict in Blood Roses is Henry Hedrick, and his favourite tipple is Alcohol.



Angel Smith

One of today`s most famous large guns specialists is a member of Interstate 82 - we are referring of course to Angel Smith.

GUN FIGHT!! PART ONE: Machineguns Vs. Gatling Guns.

GUN FIGHT!! PART ONE: Machineguns Vs. Gatling Guns
(Editor's Note: This is part one of a multi-part series intended to gauge the opinions and reactions of the various gangs in Evan to a comparison between the various weapon systems. It is not intended as an exercise in the abuse of the Old Man's interns. Thank you for your understanding.)

Inside the Old Man's shack, a pair of figures sit across a paper strewn desk from one another. One is old with a leathery face and long white beard. His ink stained fingers roll a cigarette and he lights it from a match. "Well #345, what did you get from the community as a whole?"

. From #345 "We set up in front of Dexter's like you said, Boss, and set up the speaker thingy. Then we wrote down what they say and or did. We was good and didn't leave the vehicle except for Derek. By the way, you'll need to have a chat with him. Apparently them nuns got to him and now he won't stop talking about murderin' Holy Rollers. Anyway, here's our report..'

A dusty shot up Buzzer covered in bullet pockmarks and scorched panels pulls up in front of Dexters. A roof hatch opens and a speaker is balanced precariously. There's a loud feedback squeal and a muttered ' it's that switch dummy' then a young voice nervously BOOMS out of the speaker 'Uh hello, gangs of Evan. Intern #345 here and we have a question. Machine guns or Gatling guns? Which do you prefer? Also the Old Man said he'd take answers from one member of each gang and that we weren't to get out of the Buzzer. Thank you'

-The Pole Dancers (Sir Nexus):
Leon pokes his head out of the dilapidated stripper joint the Pole Dancers call home. "What is that godawful racket? I was bathing in the million we made this week, why are you ruining my moment?" Jill scoots up next to him and relays the question. Leon gives her a "Duh" look and says something back to Jill. She scribbles it on a T-Shirt and stuffs it in a T-Shirt cannon, and fires it at the Buzzer.

"GG's are for training or for clean up in a dog fight. MG's are for chasing, accuracy, and pretty much everything else. They're both useful."

The Old Man carefully pins the shirt to his Story Wall, an insane collage of pictures, trinkets, reports, and observations taking up most of the shack's available wall space.

-The Sandrats (lostsout214):
Frank Burns, leader of the Sandrats rolls up to Dexters in People eater(A duel Gat Morray). 4 bullets hit just shy of the shabby looking buzzer.
Frank climbs out of the Moray. "These... These are for the recruits that can't hit ####. With the extra shots they are bound to hit something. It's a great way to start their training. Then once they have a grasp at hitting things. They graduate to the MG and try to hit at a distance. They both have there uses. I wouldn't really say one is better than the other."
"The next ones won't miss if you don't release Harry." Frank says as he starts to climb back into People Eater. "Also he better still be breathing."
Frank Revs up the Moray and does a full 180 throwing rocks and dirt at the buzzer.

Smoke plumes from the Old Man's mouth as he takes a drag and adjusts a small thumbnail of a green, Oakley wearing goblin. 'Gonna have to work on that particular movement'.

-DWG's Most Hated (rockinrams): Rachel Campbell 'GG, Half the damage per shot of MG but shoots twice, better to hone in the vehicle your firing at, simple as that'

-Avenged Sevenfold (Synyster Gates): From #345 'They rushed the Buzzer, firing as they came. It was scary until we realized they was using paint rifles. Also that's why the buzzer was purple'
The Old Man scoffs 'You got lucky. Next time park behind cover or next to their cars.'
As the feedback turns to words from the intern, ringing across town, they eventually echo into the warehouse of Avenged Sevenfold, interrupting their paintball match. Liz looks at the small army of paint covered losers she'd lit up, gestures at their paint rifles then for them to follow her.

-splat-.. A purple pellet explodes against the Buzzers passenger window. The intern turns to see the whole Somerset division of Avenged Sevenfold approaching with paint guns raised. The intern dives down to safety as a hail of pellets cover the Buzzers side and front with pink paint.
Liz runs up to the Buzzer as the rest of the gang whoop and holler and wipes the words "Gatling Guns" into the paint before the whole crew bolts back off to their warehouse.

The Old Man's eyes track around the cluttered shack before landing on a battered paintball gun lying on a shelf. He smiles.


-The Blood Roses (Tez): Ruth shakes her head, grabs her bottle of Dexters latest hooch and wanders towards the Buzzer. Without fear or hesitation, she downs what's left and hurls the bottle on the battlescarred left side, gathering attention of the meerkat standing through the roof hatch.

"Oi! MG's for the Blood Roses. Better range, less recoil and heaps cheaper. Especially when you hit the big guns. Heavy Gatling Guns aren't worth six figures."

A scowl twists the Old Man's face 'Who? Which one of you stood up out of the Buzzer?'
#345 'Twas Derek sir...he..was looking..'
The Old Man's hand chops the air 'Enough. Continue your report'


-Waskul Wabbitz (Zazul) : The lone Trucker of the Wabbits, Parker "Sharptooth" Hopkins drives by the dented buzzer in his favorite lorry and parks. He hops out and enthusiastically opens the back pointing to a massive stack of gatling guns being transported to camp.

"We seem to use these a lot more than MGs." He smiles. "The trainees make a nice mess with em on the battlefield and the rest we bring to camps to strip apart for the EPs."

-Cestus Dei (Rev. V): The Nuns do what they do best and the intern is coaxed out of the vehicle
The driver almost raises an objection, but thinks better of it.
He knows what the Boss would do, he isn't gonna blame the intern for this one bit.
No, not at all...

The Nuns surround the intern, dropping habits like...well.....bad habits....

Gwen "Pornstar" Derringer, the leader of Cestus Dei, playfully bites the tip of the interns ear....then whispers...

"MG vs GG? Oh...
Nuns are like guns Darlin', more Nuns are always better when you have to train a person.....like you...you can work up to the bigger toys....but for now...spray and pray.....you'll get better....."


After 3 hours the driver gives up and goes back to base.

The intern staggers home 2 days later with a pleasantly dazed look and a big hatred for the Holy Rollers.

BECAUSE F%CK THEM!!!!
THEY ALL NEED TO DIE!!!!!
PRAISE SAM!!!!

The Old Man wheels toward #345 'And where is Derek now?'
#345: 'He..he's..over at the Cestus Dei..convent..compound..er..brothel'
The Old Man grunts 'Eh, let him have his fun..long as the story gets here, I can't be bothered to wory which garage he's parking his car in..BUT tell him to knock it off with the megaphone and sandwich board on the corner. That's just gonna get him hurt.'

-Special Circumstances (goat starer): "get out of the buzzer and i will demonstrate the difference" says Julie Granados. "or stay in and we can quickly move on to Anti-Tank Gun v Car Cannon"

The Old Man glares at #345 'You were told in the briefing to leave certain 'older' gangs alone. THIS is why. They are set in their ways and will murder you very dead for annoying them'

-Raging Scavengers (Bastille): A small hut. A moon slit in the door. A boy stands next to the hut watching the noise of the crowd around the buzzer. The door opens slightly as a piece of paper waves the boy over. Taking the note, he nods and heads, wearily to the buzzer, hand out to the intern.

`MAHSHEEN GUNZ`

The Old Man pins the scrap of paper to the Story Wall, carefully running a red thread between the pins.
'SO apparently the gangs of Evan have a consensus. Gatlings are intended for training, Machineguns for cost effectiveness and accuracy. The fairest way to do this is a straight number vote.'
His quill moves across the page, tabulating.
Machineguns got given 2 clear votes v. Gatling Gun's overwhelming 5.

The winner of this round is the Gatling Gun.

Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Hati, Racing Robbie, Bastille, Rezeak, SmokeyKilla.