2042
| | Sep/Oct 2042 |
 It`s September 2042, and an enterprising ex-deathracer from the Elmsfield region - Arizona - has set up the Darkwind Gazette, the first newspaper published since the apocalypse. The Gazette seeks to bring bi-monthly news of deathracing events as well as the state of the local gangs and trade routes to all literate survivors on Evan. Members of Somerset gangs Dead Celebrity and Clarinbridge Crushers have been assigned as the first editors, and after witnessing the rapidly rising demand for more issues of this unique phenomenon, additional members from the Edgerunners have been brought aboard to further expand the editorial staff`s output capacity. News, it seems, are a commodity as sought after as the finest car parts or the purest drafts of fuel in Evan...  `Well, we done heard bout the rampant piracy and the competition `tween the gangs here, and figured we`d come help settle a few scores for people with the cash but that ain`t got the know-how on how to do vee-hicular killins themselves`, says Crash `Country Boy` Vandal of the bounty hunter gang Cerebus, `...and we`s here to stay, sure as there is sand in this here desert. By the way, where can I get me some new leather chaps? These ones here are chafing me big time. Dayum heat!` Local pirates are being kept busy with the continual surprise attacks from these tenacious characters, while the more wholesome gangs are just as busy defending themselves from the paid contract killings being indiscriminately placed on their heads. `Eets gettin` so ah man can`t do his business, wit out fearin fur his life. I was smookin by meself, mon, in dah bat room, when a boonty mon jump outta dah next stall. Eeh had a machete dah size of me arm, mon. I had to stop jerking my chicken [editors note: he is referring to his lunch Jerk Chicken] and beat dah mon down wit me fists. Evans has become even more dangerous den it was before, mon`, claims Booker Boomer of the gang Bumbleclot, as he takes a few tugs on an obscenely large pipe. When will the bounty slayings end? It is hard to say. One thing apparent is that large sums of money are being passed hand-to-hand in the dark back alleys of every city, with sinister acts of murder as the commodity being sold. Who will come out on top? It is too early to guess. For every contract they fill, for every squad they decimate, the bounty hunters seem to lose a squad of their own. The pirates, traders and vigilantes of Evan are fighting back. Killing is now a business, and business is good. 
 The most wanted gangs in Evan today are listed below. The bounty listed for each gang is a combination of the amount offered by local vigilante groups and by disgrunted individuals, and represents the amount of money you would expect to be paid for each senior member of the gang you kill. 1. THE EMPIRE Somerset: 2354. The most active gang on the deathsport circuit has been SD Rollers. Their most favoured type of event has been the deathrace, although they have also competed in numerous race events. Out of town, the most busy squads have been:  This list shows just who has been winning the most lucrative prizes on the circuits and arenas of Evan, during the past month. 1. Twisted Sisters: 119972. |
 With the major leagues coming towards their conclusion, the current leaders are: Somerset Combat League - Advanced Research labs  Dear Crabby, When preparing for scout, the other gangs snicker and grin when I pull up in my Chomper with a 3.2L exposed engine. I used to ignore them, but now it has gotten to the point where they refuse to allow me to come on scouts with this vehicle. Is there any reason you can guess as to why they are treating me so coldly? Signed, Exposed and Alone In Somerset I was going to initially suggest they might be treating you that way because you are an obnoxious jerk who breath is so bad it could knock a maggot off a rotting corpse. But, since I can occasionally be nice, I have decided to provide you the real reason for their reluctance. Did you know that bringing a vehicle with an exposed engine on a scout is the wasteland equivalent of marching around the woods on the first day of hunting in a helmet with antlers on it? No matter how well your vehicle is armored, no matter where the enemy`s firing position is, you can almost guarantee their shots will travel into your engine`s hood scoop, damage your engine, and possibly set all occupants on fire. Your friends are trying to help you, so quit trying to compensate for your lack of manliness and bring an engine that properly fits under the hood. You`ll thank yourself for it. Dear Crabby, Dear Crabby,  Like all great papers, Darkwind Gazette needs an obituary to mark the passing of our greatest warriors into the Halls of Valhalla. Now, get out there with your best members and start dying. After all, you are never really famous until you are slowly cooling to room temperature! Death`s Door pays a six-foot deep acknowledgment to Jason Voorhees of the gang Dead Celebrity. Apparently, no one told him that looted Blitzer came with extra rockets. Luckily, the Northern Mutant Alliance caught up with him outside the gates of Somerset, and made sure he got every rocket he forgot to loot. Kids are still finding bits of Jason when they climb on the roof to recover their footballs and frisbees, so someone get a bucket to gather enough of him to send back to mom. For the time being, if you would like to see the passing of your gang`s members acknowledged in print, please send manglemybadger a private IM. Please include who he was, who killed him, what he was doing when he died, what his best skill was, and, of course, a grisly description of his killing wounds. I will get them printed up here! We`re paying tribute to the legendary Earnest 'Minimi' Slaughter, a renowned large guns specialist from Advanced Research labs. |
