Nov/Dec
2049
Slaythofens Win Somerset Combat League

The Somerset Combat League finished, with Slaythofens taking the overall victory and a prize of $240000. The runners-up were Murphys Law, and finishing in third place overall were Riotous Assembly.
In Honor of Marie `The Reaper` Osborne, killed last year in the SS Combat League.

Slaythofens Win Gateway Pedestrian Combat League

The Gateway Pedestrian Combat League finished, with Slaythofens taking the overall victory and a prize of $175000. The runners-up were Jacks Gunfighters, and finishing in third place overall were Murphys Law.
To the Honor of Joe Boomer, Killed last year in Gateway Ped Combat.

The World of Evan According to Basher:

In this issue we look at the Burning Skies map on the road to Firelight.

This map is in the top three of THE most treacherous by far of ANY map you will encounter on the whole continent of Evan! In fact, the TOP three most dangerous maps are located on the road to Firelight.


Image by Lord Foul


Staying ON the road is a must when negotiating the mountainous terrain here. ANY deviation off the packed gravel road will destroy your tires in short order. The pirates encountered here will make you keep your speed high but that same high speed will make any damage taken to your tires increase as your speed gets over 45 MPH. You can keep tire damage to a minimum by staying under 40 MPH but then again those pesky pirates are hoping you`ll do exactly that!

There is absolutely nowhere you can safely travel offroad. That fact makes fighting on this map an extremely hazardous one to be sure. Rear firing weapons are almost required on this road. This reporter has heard rumors of successful fights on this road by using cunning tactics like sitting on top of one of the MANY steeply graded hills and `sniping` the offending pirates as they try to chase you and your car. I believe some skill and a MAJOR amount of luck was involved when the story was related to me.

Lattes Raiders Win Evan Race Ladder

The Evan Race Ladder finished, with Lattes Raiders taking the overall victory and a prize of $90000. The runners-up were Canis Lupus, and finishing in third place overall were Rising Sun.

Lattes Raiders Win Evan Deathrace Ladder

The Evan Deathrace Ladder finished, with Lattes Raiders taking the overall victory and a prize of $90000. The runners-up were Rising Sun, and finishing in third place overall were Slaythofens.

Longos Merry Men Win Evan Arena Combat Ladder

The Evan Arena Combat Ladder finished, with Longos Merry Men taking the overall victory and a prize of $90000. The runners-up were Slaythofens, and finishing in third place overall were Highwaymen.

Slaythofens Win Evan Paintball Combat Ladder

The Evan Paintball Combat Ladder finished, with Slaythofens taking the overall victory and a prize of $75000. The runners-up were Rebels, and finishing in third place overall were Canis Lupus.

The Paranoid Tourists Win Gateway Winter Meltdown League

The Gateway Winter Meltdown League finished, with The Paranoid Tourists taking the overall victory and a prize of $60000. The runners-up were Murphys Law, and finishing in third place overall were Slaythofens.

`Sweet Little` Karen Decosta of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Gates of Somerset.


Solomon `Grundy` Grothe of Sons of Loathing died at Gates of Somerset.


Wendy `G-String` Taylor of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Blown With the Wind.


Keith Hunter of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Blown With the Wind.


Kenny Davis of ashlabs.co died at Lost Oasis.


`Bishop` Eric Ewert of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Arthur Pugh of Street Pizza died at Somerset Arena.


James Kirk of Street Pizza died at Lost Oasis.


Herbert `wheelman` Buffington of Delta 88s died at Lost Oasis.


Gary `The Rocket` Duplessis of Delta 88s died at Lost Oasis.


Donald `The Gun` Gough of Delta 88s died at Lost Oasis.


Theresa Hyder of Angriest Dudes in Town died at Somerset Arena.


Charles Bronson of Jacks Gunfighters died at Gateway Interstate Arena.


Kristine `Big` McDaniel of Justice Delivered died at Road to Somerset.


Kim `Thud Thud` Conklin of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Blown With the Wind.


Bill `Myth` Canterbury of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Blown With the Wind.


Vera `Mom` Norman of The Panthers died at Road to Somerset.


Nancy `Nay-Nay` Riggs of Rebels died at Interstate Mythos.


Alejandro Duren of Dementia died at Once Upon a Town.


`Da Bomb` Theresa Pizano of Dementia died at Once Upon a Town.


Margaret `Skat Kat` Lewis of Geriatric Anarchists died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Andrew Rowe of Dementia died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Eddie `pushin and` Pullen of Jacks Gunfighters died at Road to Somerset.


Sandra `sandy` Miser of Jacks Gunfighters died at Road to Somerset.


Luz Johnson of Jackknife Armada died at Northern Farm Land.


Robert Michalski of Justice Delivered died at Road to Elmsfield.


Chadwick Urquhart of Iron Wraiths died at Somerset Arena.


Olivia Bang of Iron Wraiths died at Somerset Arena.


`IAB ` Jim Barnes of Ravenwood died at Blown With the Wind.


Anthony Honeycutt of Vanderbilt Motor Sports died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


`Kill` Bill Arnold of Collision Force died at Somerset Dirt Racing Track.


Barney `Bullet` Bullock of Sons of Loathing died at Road to Somerset.


Rich `E. Rich` Johnson of Sons of Loathing died at Road to Somerset.


Rita Slater of Guns Gears Getaway died at Southern Plateau.


Lillie `White` Reyes of Guns Gears Getaway died at Southern Plateau.


Steve Lucas of Collision Force died at Interstate Mythos.


Scott `Tex` Reach of Collision Force died at Burning Skies.


`HILLBILLIE` Tina Farmer of KLINGON GIRL SCOUTS died at Gates of Firelight.


Philip `The Hood` Kowal of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Somerset.


Michael Williams of Jackknife Armada died at Road to Elmsfield.


Steven Bonenfant of The Chain Gang died at Gates of Somerset.


Karen Corso of Collision Force died at Somerset Arena.


Jesus Palmer of tennis died at Somerset Arena.


Gavin `Love Child` Lindsay of MADHAT died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Jay Guerrero of Legends of the Interstate died at Gates of Somerset.


Juan Johnson of Legends of the Interstate died at Gates of Somerset.


Cyril `Cy` Hall of Jacks Gunfighters died at Blown With the Wind.


Charles `CC` Corum of MADHAT died at Highway to Hell.


John Holler of Kinetic Force died at Somerset Arena.


James Vela of Bastille died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 3.


Tyrone Robbins of CryptKeepers died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Calvin Brown of Delta 88s died at Road to Somerset.


John Oman of Paladins died at Gates of Somerset.


John `Gearhead` Tarbell of Hazzard County Legends died at Road to Somerset.


Jennifer `is a` Stoner of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Gateway Interstate Arena.


Desiree `The Fixer` Becnel of Dementia died at Blown With the Wind.


Kristine Ridings of Highway Hellions died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Edward `Mutha` Rucker of Justice Delivered died at Blown With the Wind.


Bessie Czech of Justice Delivered died at Blown With the Wind.


Lester `Mint` Thomas of Justice Delivered died at Road to Somerset.


David `D` Bryant of Justice Delivered died at Road to Somerset.


`Grulin`` Gary Ruyle of Slaythofens died at Gates of Sarsfield.


`TheGirl Scout` Jody Law of Ravenwood died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


`Monster` Marie Manos of Ravenwood died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


William Traylor of Delta 88s died at Spooky Forest.


Ira `Gefilte Fish` Goldstein of Fish Heads died at Northern Farm Land.


Wayne `The Amputator` Ho of Fish Heads died at Once Upon a Town.


James `DoubleOhNine` Britt of Fish Heads died at Once Upon a Town.


Shena Chaplin of Jacks Gunfighters died at Scattered Grounds.


Dale Pope of The Underdogs died at Lost Oasis.


Xiomara Collins of Smoke Jaguars died at Somerset Arena.


Joe Vice of Four Horsemen died at Blown With the Wind.


Solomon Macleod of Four Horsemen died at Blown With the Wind.


Frank Hinton of Justice Delivered died at Road to Elmsfield.


Gladys Mincy of CryptKeepers died at Serpentine Road.


Jacob `Electric` Kettle of Road Lords died at Lost Oasis.


Annie Dixon of Wardogs died at Pathway to Darkness.


Brenda Rodriguez of Highway Hellions died at Scattered Hills.


Martin Riggs of Street Pizza died at Gates of Somerset.


Melba `Toast` Hawk of Gearjammers died at Scattered Grounds.


Rebecca `Rigger` Augustine of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


Raymond Swartz of Justice Delivered died at Northern Farm Land.


`Sister` Phyllis Chalmers of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Bryan `Headshot` Canterbury of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Road to Somerset.


Sean `The Shroud` Draper of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Road to Somerset.


Kevin Tristan of Dementia died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Mother of` Pearl Fisk of MADHAT died at Northern Farm Land.


Zachary `you said what` Clarke of MADHAT died at Northern Farm Land.


Pedro Kilkenny of Some Serious Slackers died at Road to Somerset.


John Kuhn of Road Lords died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Robyn Rodgers of Road Lords died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Jim `Gun Show` Stone of Street Pizza died at Lost Oasis.


Jennie Ward of Fallen Coyotes died at Smokey Hills.


Robert Nava of Jackknife Armada died at Blown With the Wind.


`Princess` Geneva Hahn of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Pamela `Sly` Skidmore of CryptKeepers died at Highway to Hell.


`Little` Rae Small of CryptKeepers died at Highway to Hell.


Christina Curtis of Midnight Marauders died at Gateway Dry Lake Track.


Andrea `Gretel` Lee of CryptKeepers died at Gates of Somerset.


`Psycho` Sarah Lynch of CryptKeepers died at Gates of Somerset.


Elmer `Charlie` Brown of Gearjammers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Philip `Boomer` Coombs of Gearjammers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Loretta `Beertender` Brewer of Gearjammers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Jerome `Jerry` Franke of Jacks Gunfighters died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Hortensia Nichols of Pooks Prangksters died at Somerset Arena.


Joseph Mullen of Pooks Prangksters died at Somerset Arena.


Johnetta `Death Row` Wilhelm of Cap distributor died at Road to Somerset.


Elvin Dufresne of Cap distributor died at Road to Somerset.


`Queen` Loretta Caldera of The Panthers died at Road to Somerset.


Joe `Rocketeer` Johnson of The Panthers died at Road to Somerset.


John `TheVegetarian` Boettcher of Produce_Vendors died at Gates of Badlands Truckstop.


Debra Smith of Justice Delivered died at Road to Elmsfield.


Aaron Grullon of Bastille died at Road to Elmsfield.


Ross Garcia of Justice Delivered died at Pathway to Darkness.


Louise Guard of Justice Delivered died at Pathway to Darkness.


Booker `T` Price of Midnight Marauders died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Daniel `Coonskin Cap` Boone of Street Pizza died at Forever Yellow Skies.


William Smith of CryptKeepers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Robert Minter of CryptKeepers died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Stella Banks of Whiskey Runners died at Northern Farm Land.


Thelma Spina of Whiskey Runners died at Once Upon a Town.


Suzanne Tetreault of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Russell Sanchez of Roses Army died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Joline Soto of Smoke Jaguars died at Lost Oasis.


Perry Horton of Team Bansi died at Road to Elmsfield.


Clarence Shofner of Legends of the Interstate died at Sandy.


Noel Chang of Legends of the Interstate died at Sandy.


Larry `The Llama` Lamont of CryptKeepers died at Gates of Gateway Truckstop.


Robert McCoy of The Ancients died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 2.


Bill `BlackSnake` Howard of Shattered-n-Bloody died at Gates of Elmsfield.


Ronald `Sparrow` Hunt of Mad Hatter, Inc. died at Road to Gateway Truck Stop.


Jessica Figueroa of CryptKeepers died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Billy Shay of Wardogs died at Somerset Arena.


Rhonda Wise of Smoke Jaguars died at Northern Desert Circuit.


`Madam` Erin Wortman of CryptKeepers died at Scattered Grounds.


Craig `The Murderer` Martin of CryptKeepers died at Scattered Grounds.


James `Haystack` Anderson of CryptKeepers died at Scattered Grounds.


Michael `Kegger` Tapscott of Justice Delivered died at Gates of Elmsfield.


`Selfish` Walter Martin of Drive Backwards BFFs died at Scattered Grounds.


Richard Schroeder of Deaths Tech Support Staff died at Road to Somerset.


Alexander Miller of Deaths Tech Support Staff died at Road to Somerset.


Robert Kung of Collision Force died at Once Upon a Town.


Scott Sapp of Collision Force died at Once Upon a Town.


Harry Berryman of The Paranoid Tourists died at Road to Elmsfield.


Marsha Potter of Bastille died at Southern Plateau.


Bryan Kleiman of Sporks Angels died at Somerset`s Junkyard, Race Track 2.


`The Greaseer` Christopher Clary of Dementia died at Road to Elmsfield.


`Delicious` Elisha Cuthbert of Holy Mutant Death Squad died at Salt Flats Canyon.


Marjorie `Juwanna` Mann of Gearjammers died at Northern Desert Circuit.


Christopher `Silly ol Bear` Robin of Street Pizza died at Forever Yellow Skies.


Douglas `Doc` Moran of 88 MPH died at Gates of Elmsfield.


James Cureton of Justice Delivered died at Sandy.


Andrew Thurman of Smoke me a kipper died at Road to Somerset.


Greg `Gearbox` Taylor of CryptKeepers died at Northern Farm Land.


Rosemarie `MySnatchIsSo` Bushey of CryptKeepers died at Somerset Arena.


Roy Arreguin of The Ancients died at Once Upon a Town.


`Fabulous` Ferne Duncan of Midnight Marauders died at Pathway to Darkness.


Jessica Tsai of Collision Force died at Somerset Rally Circuit.


Curtis Martinez of CryptKeepers died at Road to Somerset.


Kara `Catapult` Kieffer of Astras died at Road to Somerset.



Big Earners on the Track

This list shows just who has been winning the most lucrative prizes on the circuits and arenas of Evan, during the past month.

1. Jacks Gunfighters: $728612.
2. Evan Courier Service: $516986.
3. MADHAT: $372452.
4. Road Lords: $356325.
5. Holy Mutant Death Squad : $267200.

Evan Leagues

The major leagues are nearly concluded, and with the title races hotting up, here are the current favourites:

Evan Race Ladder - Canis Lupus
Evan Deathrace Ladder - Slaythofens
Evan Arena Combat Ladder - Slaythofens
Evan Paintball Combat Ladder - Slaythofens

In addition, the leaders of the minor leagues are:

Northern Paintball League - Slaythofens
Gateway Pedestrian Combat League - Jacks Gunfighters
Somerset Combat League - Slaythofens



Growing Rocks

by P A Trouthead, Gazette Badlands Corespondent
Event 106928

Felix Decker had been freelancing for Guns, Gears, Getaway for a few months now, and had found himself driving a V8 Viper with a Car Grenade Launcher escorting convoys in and out of Badlands. The day I caught up with him for an interview he had just finished prepping his car for the day and was headed to the gang`s garage.

`I have to check in, make sure we`re doing more of nothing today. It`s slow out here in Badlands, paralyzed by a coward of a leader, this Rita Slater chick.` he shook his head slowly as we walked towards the office. `We don`t do nuthin out here.`

We stepped into the office in question and found Rita standing with her back to us. A bit of tapestry in her hands, clenched behind her back. `We got a Tap.` She said quietly. `From the top. We`re to escort The Holy Mutant Death Squad`s bus out to a new camp. We`re to then assist in establishing the camp.` She didn`t turn from the window. `Pack your gear, leave one man for comms and assemble the squad. We leave today.`

`Boss...` Felix began.

`I said to assemble, Felix.` Rita said as she pushed us both out of her office and slammed the door.

Felix looked at me with a sheepish smile. `Well, you care to go for a ride, reporter?`

I was up for an adventure, so I tagged along in the pickup, squeezed in with the cargo in the Runner 1, a simple transport pickup driven by Bernetta Remington, the reknown handgunner. I made an effort to not look at her prosthetic.

It`s a 650 mile trek to The Abbey Normal from Badlands. The trip went quickly, though. I think the whole crew was frightened out of their minds and the radio chatter was constant, despite Rita`s repeated orders for silence. The bus was up ahead with the Viper, we rode center behind the bus, flanked by The Green Machine and Hail of Bullets, both heavily armed Apaches of some accomplishment. I say that last bit with tongue firmly lodged in cheek, as the whole crew had less than a dozen scouts under their belts collectively... despite being stationed between Sars and Badlands for almost 6 months.

There were twelve of them to our 5. Mostly Phoenix and the lot, most faster than us, most better armed.

The truck lurched heavily as we spun around and went back uphill, our supplies holding us back. Everyone danced around the bus, staying well clear of its deadly ram plate...everyone by Nick Em Nickens in the Hail of Bullets, whose oversteer tapped the bus on the back, pushing it forward a little faster.

Running away uphill back the way you came is not a fun experience. Horrifying might be more accurate. As we crested the hill and turned to run down a long straight ahead the back of the bus had erupted in flame and bullets. The two Apaches were firing non-stop, the bus as well, and one Phoenix wilted under their fire. A tiny little two-seat roadster came up quick and laid into the bus even more.

We were all headed downhill and the bus was already over 100, but there was a tense moment as we drove in silence for one second, our pursuers just beyond the ridge...we all knew they were coming, and the bus had gaping holes in its rear armor.

Rita`s voice came across the radio. `Nickens, I want you to take evasive half-way down the hill and stand as rear guard. Felix and Bernetta, you run like hell and get clear. All three of you, protect Holy Mutant`s Bus, Roadtrip, and make sure her crew and cargo get thru.` and sudden silence...broken by the sound of a dozen machine guns firing.

The bus, expertly driven by Master Troy Kohls, rocketed away like I imagined the mighty rhinoceros once did.

I stared out the back window as we drove away, and I watched the Green Machine suddenly turn on the roadster, reducing it to pulp in seconds. As one, the 10 cars around Rita`s car turned all their guns her way. I watched in awe as her car rocked and shuddered under the blows. Even after we escaped I could see the flashing explosions from her car for 10 minutes...the bloodthirsty pirates tearing Rita Slater, Lilly `White` Reyes and Michael Brock into pieces and scattering them as bread across the desert.

We finished the trip in silence.

Arrival at The Abbey Normal was not met with fanfare. There was no parade, there was no celebration. There were, in fact, no buildings, no resources of any kind, and 4 dead workers who had apparently not prepared for the acid rain.

So began the building of The Abbey Normal.



William White

This month, we caught up with William White of the mad mad crushers, one of Evan`s most skilled large guns specialists.
Current DW Gazette Editors: Sam, Hati, Racing Robbie, Bastille, Rezeak, SmokeyKilla.