*manglemybadger* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 4:01 am	When the not-so-famous, almost dangerous, slightly-close-but-not-actually-cool gang Dead Celebrity loses a few members and has to initiate new fodder, we go to Dexter's or wherever just like everyone else does to find them. I always bring Scraggly along as a technical advisor, because he has extensive experience with picking up guys in bars. But that isn't what I am here to talk about. I am here to talk about the dirty liars. You know the ones. You head into Dexter's looking for some decent new recruits, maybe feeling a little vulnerable because you just spent 15 minutes after the last Death Race picking chunks of your best friend's lung out of your beard and mustache. You are optimistic though, because you see so many promising new faces! So you walk around asking if anyone has any seat time behind some certain type of enormous vehicle-mounted weapon, and maybe one guy in the back pipes up... "Yeah, mister! I been around the block a few times on a Heavy Machine Gun! In fact, I used to dismantle my old one every night, and sleep in a pile of its parts! Sure, it was anatomically difficult to make sweet, sweet love to each individual part, and sure it was a pain putting it all back together in the morning, but I really got to KNOW the weapon! Did I mention that I love heavy machine guns so much, I exclusively drink gun lubricant as a refreshment?" So, needless to say, he talks a good game. You hire him spontaneously and without another word. He jumps in the back of the looted Marauder like a day worker, and you take him back to the secret clubhouse or wherever it is we all live. It is not until later, after the paperwork has been signed and you have explained the dental plan, that you realize that he is not the Mister Hot-Sex-With-HMG that he said he was, but that he actually is an amateur cyclist that has no thumbs and talks to an imaginary pet hamster named "Frankie". So I come to the origin of The Dirty Liar Club. The DLC is a small subgroup of the gang Dead Celebrity, filled with members who have lied to me about their skills. I am sure some of you have a similar "group" with a different name, or maybe I am the only vengeful bastard around. Mine has also been expanded to include people, from back in the old days, who do not have a name that fits with my gang theme. Their mission is simple: DIE! DIE! DIE! But make me as much money as you can before you go. Diabolically, I try to enter them into as many events as I can. If they win, I get money. If they die, I get revenge. It is a win-win solution for me that has worked wonderfully. Until I hired the invincible James Kinlaw. He heads my Chapter of Dirty Liars Club for two good reasons. One, he told me he had experience with Large Guns but turned out to be a medic. Two, his name does not fit my theme of famous dead people. There is a Minister of Creation Science named James Kinlaw in the state of Florida. BLAH. Another James Kinlaw owns a chain of funeral homes in Alabama. NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. There is an accountant James Kinlaw in New Jersey. YAWN. No James Kinlaw ever invented Velcro, led the Mongols as they sacked a city, starred in a string of slasher films, or sacrificed virgins atop a Mayan altar. It is a dead name, overlooked by history, and cursed with anonymity. It would be my pleasure to see him die, preferably in a huge fireball of melting metal, just after crossing the finish line in first place. Unfortunately, though, like James Bond, this man WILL SIMPLY NOT DIE. Bullets bounce near him, but rarely through. Direct rocket hits leave him with a smile and clothes smelling vaguely of smoke. Grenades bounce into his lap and he peels them like a hardboiled egg. I believe he only lost his eye because Scraggly scorched him with a flamethrower. At point blank. At 70 mph. With all his side armor stripped away. As the two cars crashed together repeatedly in an orgy of metal. He doesn't always win the event, and he may not come back with the same number of body parts, but he is almost guaranteed to survive any combat I plunge him into. I used to fantasize about sending him out in a shopping cart with a lawnmower engine that has half a roll of duct tape for armor and a rolled-up newspaper as the only weapon, but I know how that would end. Thirty minutes later, like so many times before, he will be knocking on my door to request a replacement jumpsuit: "The old one is full of bullet holes and is badly charred around the ankles", he will tell me. "Why are you still alive?" I will ask him... "Oh, and the helmet is a little dented from when I was thrown from the cliff and the Apache fell on my forehead...? he will answer. ?WHY. ARE. YOU. STILL. ALIVE? What manner of demon are you? Go back to your fiery pit and taunt me no more...? ?Oh, and is it alright if I come in late Monday morning? I am going to see the chiropractor. My back has been achy ever since that lorry ran me over. Twice. While I was on fire.? ?Good day, to you, Mister Kinlaw!? I will say, quite perturbed. As he turns to leave my office, he does not hear the large caliber pistol slide from my holster. He does not hear the hammer #### back. He takes no notice of my huffing, excited breath. He does not seem to even hear the explosion as the pistol misfires in my hand. ?Good night, boss?, he says as he shuts the door.
*viKKing* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 2:36 pm	haven't finished reading this excellent post. One point though: Jake is the mechanic thief. Dexter is the barman... Edit: LMAO I have finished reading this piece of Darkwind History. It definitively needs to be moved to the official fiction part ot the forum (once names are fixed ) LMAO I almost cried while laughing. (Sam too it seems).
*sam* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 2:41 pm	Laughed till tears ran down my face
*manglemybadger* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 3:45 pm	Heheh, glad you guys liked it. I feared it was far too long for most. Vikking, I think the post is properly edited, so you can move it, if you wish. I would have posted it there, but I actually intended to write it to initiate discussion about what people do with the extra fodder and dirty liars they recruit. It just came out as something different... I cut out the whole "Kill Kinlaw And Win A Car" Sweepstakes I was planning. I will add that as a second post, anyway. This one is already too top heavy...
*sam* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 3:54 pm	Quote: I almost cried while laughing. (Sam too it seems). Although I have a nagging feeling that it's the slightly-deranged laughter of a pair of over-worked developers who see good-natured humour being poked out of their game. The real test is to see what other players think
*JD_Basher* jd.basher@charter.net Posted Aug 17, 2007, 6:55 pm	My face hurts from laughing.........My eyes sting from crying.....My brain swollen from the imagery! That was fantastic.......Now if I could only get the visual of a Fat, pimply white guy sitting in his underwear typing out this kind of great reading! Excellent!......Well done badger!
*Ayjona* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 6:59 pm	*sam* said: Although I have a nagging feeling that it's the slightly-deranged laughter of a pair of over-worked developers who see good-natured humour being poked out of their game. The real test is to see what other players think  This player occasionally gets the idea into his head that he is an accomplished writer, and he enjoyed the tale of Mister Kinlaw *immensely*. Dry wit, dramatic build-up, elegant use of exaggerated drama, proper amounts of nerdy symbolism, and constantly penetrating, badly hidden true hatred and bitterness all come together to dance in spirals of sarcastic and desperate joy!
*Speedealer* Posted Aug 17, 2007, 7:21 pm	a true confederacy of dunces. very well done!
*Chase Bansi* JohnBMan033@aol.com Posted Aug 21, 2007, 5:01 am	Ayjona said: Dry wit, dramatic build-up, elegant use of exaggerated drama, proper amounts of nerdy symbolism, and constantly penetrating, badly hidden true hatred and bitterness all come together to dance in spirals of sarcastic and desperate joy! That sums it up quite nicely. During my brief time in Evan I have been taken in by the dirty liars club also. Usually when it is the worst time.  Down to my last few dollars, no drivers in my stable, and I get ever thing but a driver. Sure, now I have a medic, a mechanic, trucker, and what not but not what I needed which was a new driver! Conversely to Kinlaw's law (unwanted characters that will not die) is the mystery that wanted characters die sudden unavoidable and horrible deaths. Leads one to the assumption that in Evan life is not fair.
*Tinker* Posted Feb 26, 2010, 6:19 pm	I just have to say every times i see a post from the Dead Celebrities my blood pressure drops, the best written down words ever written in these forums!
Djihani Posted Feb 26, 2010, 6:56 pm	hehe quite a nice read. funny thing is - i never read this but i tag all the liars "liar driver" etc, and run them thru anything stupid i dont want to endanger my liked ones with. One of them leads my gang since quite the beginning.
*Rezeak* reecestensel@hotmail.co.uk Posted Feb 26, 2010, 8:02 pm	This is just genius
*jimmylogan* Posted Feb 26, 2010, 8:03 pm	Agreed - excellent read! As for my take on "the liar's club" - I just go for "best available" and use them anyway.
Mad Mike Posted Feb 26, 2010, 9:58 pm	I just pick the skill Id like then I just join them up anyway regardless.... they will either die quickly or last forever. no matter what they skill I stick them behind an HMG regardless of skill and when they protest I say. either shoot it or die. they learn fast enough... or stick them behind a mortar and say either hit the targets or die.. your choice.. seems to work
*Bastille* Posted Feb 26, 2010, 10:54 pm	Awesome Read. Just think, if we have no more liars clubs tales like this will cease to exist, as will the fodder that I chuck into turn 1 at Junk 2 at 150+ miles an hour.
Lord Foul Posted Feb 26, 2010, 11:50 pm	All the more reason to fix a flawed hiring system. Now that the recruiter must to be in the town you want to hire your free character from, the hire system should have it so that if the recruiter is in the town you're hiring from, the free character you are hiring can’t lie to you. By having the recruiter in town, it would allow him to “test” the skills of the free character he is hiring and prevent the “lying” foolishness. If you want a gunner and the guy can’t find the safety, you don’t hire him. If the driver you want to hire can’t shift a clutch, you don’t hire him.
*Marc5iver* marcg@comcast.net Posted Feb 27, 2010, 2:55 am	What spell has Sam put on us that it is ok to recruit someone who doesn't have the skills we are looking for? I'm not sure how or why the system got set up that way but to me it makes absolutely no sense through gameplay, roleplay or anyway.
*JD_Basher* jd.basher@charter.net Posted Feb 27, 2010, 3:57 am	Just roll with it Marc.......... Tuck and roll.......
Procyon Posted Feb 27, 2010, 6:26 am	I don't get why lying is a big deal anyway. He's nearly as useless at 20 as at 7. You have to train them first regardless.
*Bastille* Posted Feb 27, 2010, 8:43 am	Foul said: By having the recruiter in town, it would allow him to “test” the skills of the free character he is hiring and prevent the “lying” foolishness. If you want a gunner and the guy can’t find the safety, you don’t hire him. If the driver you want to hire can’t shift a clutch, you don’t hire him. Agreed that Recruit skill should help weed out the lies, but without them, what's the skill for. At least that's how I have seen it. Not sure if it helps get characters with decent attributes (I think I mentioned this once before and it was confirmed that it did not help). I recruit in the town my recruiter is in, and have had real poor stats out of the last 10 guys I have hired. 56 is the max attribute I have received in these recruitments, and sub 30's many times. No much of a replacement for a 79 dex 79 spd super gunner. Not even worthy as fodder. My fame is not too good right now so I guess that's the reason. 5's Idea to pay extra (2-5K seems reasonable for the guarantee) and wait a day, paired with the recruiter skill, seems an obvious move for an experienced gang. The skill allows for this action maybe. The higher the skill the quicker the turnover time if hours rather than a day is possible. Sorry for my usual long winded gibberish.
Joel Autobaun Posted Feb 27, 2010, 6:26 pm	The only effect I have ever seen from recruit and being a gang with high fame is...you get a guy with 25 starting skill(and no liars - it's not a BFD actually). I honestly think there is more downsides to high fame than upsides after the Rep/fame overhaul. I don't even truce anymore. Fame is worse than useless, you want to avoid getting it. Now NPCs are ganging up on me in the arena. So now I don't scout and I guess I have to avoid doing arena combats. I can only deathrace, race and do dangerous travels and try to PvP. Good story BTW.
*Dark Tempest* Posted Feb 27, 2010, 6:33 pm	Joel, The effect you see from having a high fame seems realistic. If you really were the toughest gang around in a post-apocalyptic world, everyone else would be out to get you. An intimidate option could be useful however. Rather than trucing, when you meet gangs you have beat up on in the past, you can attempt to threaten them into leaving you alone. (There's even a suggestion for intimidator to be a spec in the appropriate thread.)
Joel Autobaun Posted Feb 27, 2010, 8:01 pm	darktempest666 said: Joel, The effect you see from having a high fame seems realistic. If you really were the toughest gang around in a post-apocalyptic world, everyone else would be out to get you. An intimidate option could be useful however. Rather than trucing, when you meet gangs you have beat up on in the past, you can attempt to threaten them into leaving you alone. (There's even a suggestion for intimidator to be a spec in the appropriate thread.) While I agree it's really realistic, it's very demoralizing to the "player" when he gets gang rapes in arena combats.  Very true - I could threaten a player and get him back in a million ways...an NPC... I just have to suck it.  Because if I try to get them back they will (all) just get worse on me. I like your threaten suggestion. My point is high fame should be a good thing.  right now I think the minuses outweigh the penalties.
Crazy AL Posted Feb 27, 2010, 10:15 pm	The humor and quality of this post was ZERO surprise to me as I thoroughly enjoy all of MMBs posts. You are missing out if you dismiss them as too long a read at first sight. Might I suggest: James "Unbreakable" Kinlaw?
*Dark Tempest* Posted Feb 27, 2010, 11:33 pm	Joel Autobaun said: While I agree it's really realistic, it's very demoralizing to the "player" when he gets gang rapes in arena combats.  Very true - I could threaten a player and get him back in a million ways...an NPC... I just have to suck it.  Because if I try to get them back they will (all) just get worse on me. I like your threaten suggestion. So you think that the threaten option would fix the problem or you still think that NPC's present a problem? The solution i thought of for the arena problem is slightly more complicated. Inside of the faction window there could be a dialogue box that shows how member gangs of the faction treat you in town events. By paying them off/being nicer to them/completing missions for them, they will treat you better.
*Dark Tempest* Posted Mar 17, 2010, 7:40 pm	I just recruited a certain "James Kinlaw"...
*Dark Tempest* Posted Apr 23, 2010, 4:25 am	Update on Jame Kinlaw, now James "The Outlaw" Kinlaw. When I recruited him he was a n00b, now he's one of my better courier scouts.
Necrotech Posted Jan 9, 2013, 9:58 pm	TOO FUNNY thanx Rev... for pointing this out
musashi_san Posted Jan 11, 2013, 4:41 am	holy crap i damn near pissed myself. well done.
*Splash* Posted Jan 11, 2013, 9:07 am	That was probably the funniest thing I've ever read here, thanks for refreshing it to the top of the list. Wonder what ever happened to him?
*Longo* Posted Jan 11, 2013, 10:07 am	HAHA!
Racing Robbie Posted Jan 11, 2013, 5:07 pm	LOL - not one for reading at work Very good, and I'm also wondering what happened to him
Daveyh Posted Aug 28, 2013, 1:41 am	bump Laughed out loud - made my wife read it - she knows little of DW - but got it
musashi_san Posted Aug 28, 2013, 3:09 pm	yeah a career update on the indefatigable mr kinlaw would be amusing...
*Dark Tempest* Posted Aug 29, 2013, 8:52 pm	Can't speak to the original Mr. Kinlaw, but his higher capping evil twin has been every bit as hard to kill... Not sure how to paste a link to the character sheet, but ID# 411560 is James Kinlaw of The Black Legion.
Sarge Posted Aug 30, 2013, 12:28 am	*Dark Tempest* said: Not sure how to paste a link to the character sheet, but ID# 411560 is James Kinlaw of The Black Legion. James Kinlaw